tune in, turn on... : 03/08/2026
...and drop out.
school hasn't been treating me very kindly lately. though maybe that's partially my fault.
throughout my six classes, i've got three F's and three B's. yikes. i'm not really sure what happened! this semester just started out like complete shit and i've been feeling like complete shit because of it!
the thought of dropping out of school has been crossing my mind a lot recently. i know it's a bad idea, probably, but i just can't stop thinking about how much happier i would be if i didn't have to worry about school anymore.
why should i keep going to a place that makes me upset by just the thought of it?? everytime i think about school, i think about my terrible grades, and then that thought ruins the next couple of hours for me until i can find something to make me feel even a smidgen better.
that's not a place i want to keep going to. i want to be happy! not constantly stressed or anxious or upset about some fucking letters next to the name of a class! that's stupid, i don't want to live my life being swayed by letters!!!!!!!!!!!
though, i do see the irony in that statement when i am literally grading how my weeks go with letter ranks. BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT!
school hurts me, kind of a lot, and i don't see why i should be forced to hurt when the option to- well, not hurt is available.
i want to be free, i want to live, and as of right now, school is killing me.
i think the hardest part of all of this is figuring out when to even talk to my parents about this. i don't know how they'll react. and maybe this is just me but i never understood why parents would get upset at their kids telling them they want to drop out.
though i probably don't have all the context for why that'd be upsetting. i'm sure my parents would be at the very least disappointed. but i'd try to make them understand and i feel like they'd come around eventually.
i'll just have to wait it out until i'm ready to tell them.
animating is fun
i've been working on a really short animation for my graphics class recently, i'm almost done with the animation part of it but i need to add sounds and probably do some touch ups in like a video editing software.
i've never made a full animated video before so it's definitely a bit of a new feeling for me. i've dabbled in animation for years at this point though. i've always liked the idea of making something like this before but i never actually... did... ever...
it's interesting to see how my never-before-applied knowledge on animation actually works out for me! i think the animation so far is really great!
i keep thinking about how funny it is to never have actually animated to this degree before, but no one would've ever have known that if i never said anything.
i'm animating in flash 8 even though my class does provide modern adobe products. i don't care!!!! i wanna keep my animations forever even after i'm done with the class so i decided on flash 8 because it was the most accessible thing to me.
i can't wait to finally finish this animation and be able to show it off cause i'm really proud of it.
love
i recently started dating someone again. she's really really amazing. i didn't think i'd get back into a relationship so soon, not after all that's happened recently.
i can't help but feel a little bad, it feels like i'm moving on too fast but- is that even really a thing? what does it mean to "move on too fast"? if someone moves on too fast is that not just normal to them? people have different ways of attaching to things and holding onto memories.
it's hard to balance "moving on" and "holding on". you're either moving on too fast or you're holding on too tight. i don't want to forget what i used to have, but i feel like i'll never recover if i keep thinking about that.
love is hard, i don't think i'll ever fully understand it. but i do know that to truly love someone, you need to love yourself too. and honestly, that's like one of the hardest parts of loving someone. it's so easy to forget that you're just as much of a person that needs to be loved as the people you love.
i'm thankful to say that i do love myself, and that definitely helps me to love other people. i've still got a ways to go though, and the future is incredibly blurry.