strewn across the room : 04/30/2026

tangled up in my own head

wow rare midweek blogpost. anyways i'm gonna really spill my fucking guts out on the hardwood here now

i am... a goddamn mess. and not because i actually poured my entrails out onto the floor of my bedroom, i didn't do that, that's gross.

i mean i'm a goddamn mess in... just life i guess!

i haven't felt so "lost" like this in a while, and goddamn i'm remembering how much it fuckin' sucked. a few months ago, i thought i finally found something but i'm realizing now that i've probably been "lost" this entire time!

and maybe even my entire life!

only just a bit ago did i get some time to reflect on all five billion things that have happened to me in the last like... 8 months or whatever, and i'm realizing now that i have absolutely ZERO idea what i'm even doing anymore.

i've completely given up on school, i can't really scrape together enough motivation to make things, a lot of things just aren't fun right now, and i barely talk to anyone!

i've been depressed before, plenty of times, but oh my god i don't think it's ever been this terrible.

it does not help one bit that i've become deathly anxious about talking to anyone about any of this shit cause it feels like i'm like... fuck!!! i don't even know! i JUST proved here right now that it's all completely irrational and yet i still can't stop feeling like this!!!

GRRHRGRH it's so so so frustrating! i feel so stuck, like nothing is going on anymore and this is just how things are gonna be for a long ass time. what the fuck am i supposed to do about that???? none of this feels fair at all!

i always try not to let hard times knock me off my feet but if i'm being honest, those hard times toppled me over onto my ass MONTHS ago and they haven't stopped kicking me in my ribs since then. everything feels like it's moving way too fast but also completely frozen in time and i just can't seem to wrap my head around any of it!

i'm so lost, and anxious, and upset, and confused, and stressed, and so many other things! i've been trying my best to keep my chin up but goddamn it hasn't been easy at all.

i made a promise to myself, a very long time ago. i promised that i'd never give up, no matter how shitty things get.

and someone would need to fucking kill me for me to break that promise, but i wont let that happen.