maybe loosen your grip, just a bit..? : 07/16/2026

my bed is a huuuge magnet and im an iron filing

i got some thoughts to spew for a bit so just gimme a few.

i've already talked about how i catch myself latching onto people incredibly easy sometimes. things haven't changed by the way.

but i guess lately it's been getting a bit taxing? i can't tell if i'm chasing affection and/or closer connections with people too much/too hard or if that's just... normal and fine?

it's hard to know with that kinda stuff. but either way, i feel like i'm strolling down a path towards getting myself hurt pretty bad.

maybe i shouldn't write about this, but whatever.

there's this girl, i like her a lot. ok well- there's two girls actually, i like both of them quite a bit! and i guess i just don't know what to do about that.

i'd say i'm good friends with both of them! but i think maybe i like them... like- too much? (fighting for my life to word this in a way that doesn't sound awkward or weird or something fuuuucckkkk what am i doing brah)

i think about the two of them a lot. and like- FINE i guess i'm crushing a bit but that's exactly the fuckin' issue! everything about and surrounding that doesn't make any sense!!! and it's not like much of fucking anything would even change if i got together with either of them.

we're fine!!!! but why does my brain want more??!?!?? what more could i possibly get from something like that!!!!!!!! it's stupid and selfish and greedy!!!

and plus, i'm not entirely sure BUT i don't think either of them feel that kinda way about me!!! SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!

UGGGHGHHGHHRRR!!!!! goddamnit dude!!!! i know things wouldn't work out like that, i know it'd be all completely ridiculous, and yet my brain still yearns for it!!!! it's pissing me off!!

BLEEGHHH i'm tired. i don't know what to do. i don't know how to feel. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know i don't know i don't know.......... BLEH

if one or both of the girls i was vaguely eluding to in this blogpost read this then... hi V, hi J i guess.... idk whatever snorrrrkk mimimimmmimimi

i wanna green out on catnip

there was a pretty good stretch of time there, where i thought i was finally over her. and i guess i still am, but having her message me again out of the blue after 6 months was completely unpredictable.

i was almost there, almost to a point where i wasn't constantly thinking about her, replaying the reels of memories and thoughts i had about her. but now i'm back to it.

i almost wish she hadn't messaged me, but that's a mean thing to say, and she doesn't deserve that, especially not from me of a fuckin' people!

she's been through so much, and is still going through shit, and i feel bad. she told me it wasn't my fault, but that's just a poor ass excuse for a lie! i know i fucked her up really bad! why was she pretending like things weren't at least partially my fault!!

well i guess she did say that i was partially at fault, but she was underselling it! i know i did more than what she was telling me i did!

i just... iunno. i just don't understand. we parted ways, she comes back, we chitchat, and she was being nice to me? why? even after what i did to her? it didn't even sound like it made much sense to her either. she told me outright that she was expecting to be more angry and upset at me, but she wasn't.

i don't wanna be mad at her, but i can't help but feel a little irritated for some reason? i was starting to feel at least somewhat okay without having her around. without having her on my mind 24/7. but now i think about her at least once a day.

and it just feels so cruel and mean to say that i'd almost rather she hadn't messaged me, but a part of me really does feel that way! but i don't wanna feel that way, i shouldn't feel that way! it doesn't make sense!

i guess the way i feel about her now, and the way i think about her now is pretty different from how those things were a few months ago. but even then, i don't like thinking about her. not because she's a bad person or anything, but because thinking about her makes me think about what i did to her, and it makes me feel terrible!! i don't wanna think about that anymore!

it makes me sick to my stomach just remembering what happened! i don't want to feel that way.

eeeuggghhhh i'm really tired now. i wanna go lay in bed. bye